You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
