I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
