Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
