god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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