Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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