Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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