I am in a vortex of obligation.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
