Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
