she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
