i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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