so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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