Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He kissed a someone with a penis
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
