she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
