dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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