Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
