I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
