ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
