I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
