I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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