I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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