She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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