i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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