if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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