you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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