My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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