i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
