I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
