"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize