did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
