Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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