wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
