Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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