nut hugger
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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