On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
