this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She bit a glass in half.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
