My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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