So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Randomize
