I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
