I met the friendliest cop last night
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
