i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just found puke in my bra..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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