I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
