Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
