Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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