i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
