Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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