I cannot find my penis.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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