a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
