Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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