Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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