I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pole danced in your parka.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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