I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
