Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
