Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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