Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
