He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
