I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize