Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
